i'm not gay enough

it's true - i'm not gay enough to be gay...

i used to think that i was a pretty average gay man, i like the hotties, i like dance music, i like sex - but the realization that i'm not your typical gay man has been creeping into my consciousness quite a bit lately.

i'll give you a few examples:

• joe.my.god has a clip of a music video by brian kent (former mr nyc eagle)... now on all surface levels, i should dig the clip; i do enjoy a well produced dance tune, i do enjoy a woofy man such as mr kent and i'm all for jumping on the band wagon for man on man action in a video (seriously underrepresented in the music video milieu if you ask me) - but the song is just terrible. seriously. reminds me of bad marky mark dance music from the early 90's. i have a phrase for music such as this: "euro-fag dance music". the music is all beat with no interesting phrasing or structure to it. there's just nothing here except the over-the-top beat and diva-esque vocal stylings of mr kent. why is it that every gay man on the planet seems to love this shit except me? must not be gay enough. i pride myself on having a pretty eclectic and well-rounded musical interests - but these super gay tunes are (for the most part) just fuckin' terrible. thankfully, joe redeemed his blog with the glorious remembrance of ruth brown he has also posted.
• there are a couple of blogs out here from gentlemen in southern area of the u.s who seem woefully attuned to just their penises with nary a thought or concern for anything other than getting laid. i'll not name names for a couple of reasons: a) karma kicks ass and i'm sure it would come round and lay a boot upside my ass in a hurry and b) i realize that what we put out in the blog-o-sphere is just one aspect of our personalities (hopefully) and that what these two bloggers represent is probably (hopefully) not the full dimension of their lives. however - with that said, surly being gay doesn't mean that we think about is sex and we're throwing ourselves at other bloggers via their comment boxes in a continual trashy manner. or does it? maybe being gay is just about getting as much tail as possible. and sure, there is nothing wrong with flirting - god knows i do my fair share of flirting - but hopefully i'm also putting out into the universe the vibe that there is more to me than just my dick. these bloggers i'm talking about seem to be overly predicated on the concept that sex is all there is.
• while on the subject of sex; lets talk about casual sex. firstly, let it be stated that i've done it (and chances are i'll do it again), but here's the deal - i don't get much out of casual sex. yes, tab a goes into slot b and that takes care of a base animal instinct/human need. i get that (and fully support the concept of tabs and slots), but for me just simply taking care of the base instinct leaves me a bit hollow. my lack of taste for casual sex does not (as some will indicate) mean that i'm a prude or that i have puritanical views of sex. nor does it mean, if you like casual sex, that you are a slut. it just means we have different views on sex (and one might say intimacy). for me, the casual sex situations that have been the most rewarding are those where you meet someone and the pure magnetism of the situation compels you to ditch your clothes and go at it like wildebeests in heat. i like that. i like that a lot actually. what i don't like is finding someone in a bar (or online) and kinda going "eh, it'll work" or "i'm so fuckin' horny, he'll do". yes, i've done it. no it doesn't do much for me. sex (for me) should be wild and intimate and intense and rewarding. not hollow and empty. if the feeling after sex is worse than before, then what's the point?
• drugs. ok, on this point, i'm completely comfortable being separate from the pack. i don't get meth or coke or crystal. these substances, if you ask me, are bringing about the downfall of modern gay life. these drugs do not make life better, in-fact they destroy it. i find it to be a dichotomy that circuit parties are raising funds for hiv/aids organizations all around, yet, the meth and crystal scene is so prevalent at circuit parties. it's been pretty well established that meth and crystal use is linked with syphilis and hiv infection rates raising. i just don't get the whole drugs and party atmosphere concept.
• bars. another thing i'm just not big on is gay bars. i go out a few times every couple of months to remind myself what it was like. a big reason i don't do the bar thing is that i'm pretty shy. i get that it's half me. i really do. but lets say i wanna hang out with my friends on a saturday night, go to a bar and have a few beers - that's all good right? what usually seems to happen is that someone in the group (or some people) end up ditching the friend group and go hook up with a hottie across the dance floor. is it just me or is that just kinda bullshit? if i'm in a bar with my buddies - i wanna hang out with my buddies. it annoys the shit out of me when someone ditches the group to go get laid. nothing wrong with flirting or dancing or what not, but i hate being ditched. it's a fundamental part of who i am (and for the record, i totally get the psychological aspect of the issue) - it's still not cool.

i should stipulate, the above challenges i have with being gay in no way are meant to show a "i'm better than all of you" mindset.... in truth, it's just my challenge with not-quite-fitting in with the gay world. i have many friends who seem to do it better than i - and huge parts of me are are jealous that they do - but then, i'm reminded that it's the differences that make us stronger. i just wish our community would honor the differences a bit more, instead of just wanting all of us to be cookie-cutter chelsea boys. and no, i don't have a huge chip on my shoulder (tho' certainly from reading the above, i can understand how someone would get that impression... lol), it's just my view.

so there you go, i'm don't quite fit in. most day's, i'm ok with that. just some days, i wish it were all just a little easier.

music heard:

clint mansell's amazing score for the sublimely beautiful film 'the fountain'